Tom Cromwell will have a meteoric rise in Henry’s court. He’s terribly smart. Anne Boleyn will have a temper tantrum. Fair enough, she’s been waiting a long, long time to get a silly hat.

We’re back with Sir St Tom who will cop the top job as Chancellor. But Tom is more interested in torture and burning people than helping Henry get a divorce. It won’t go well when Henry declares himself to be the head of the church in England. Tom will resign his job but will he settle down to a nice retirement? Here’s Tom and Henry from A Man for all Seasons.

Henry’s top advisor Tom Wolsey is dead, but fear not – he still has Sir St Tom More and there’s the new boy Tom cromwell. Another Tom – Boleyn is off to see the pope and the emperor to sort things out. Bonus for Henry is that universities all over the place will agree he should have his divorce but Pope Clement won’t be having it. Here’s our disgraced Cardinal Wolsey wondering where it all went wrong.

Yes, it’s another bloody special and we shall be having a look at what our olden days people got up to in the bedroom. If you’re curious, you may find out that we’re much gayer than you may have thought.

Mary will get her man – strapping big lad Charles Brandon. Henry will be annoyed, but money can make any king happy. Here’s a picture of a young Mary from the Spanish Princess.

We’ve had a little bit about Henry’s sister Mary, but let’s face it. She’s a hot princess and deserves and episode. So let’s re-examine her rather fun way of killing of the Frenchie king so she can get it on with Charles Brandon Duke of Suffolk, boofhead and Henry’s best mate.

And we have another new friend into the story. Enter Reginald Pole (Cardinal) but sadly our dear old Tom Wolsey (Cardinal) will be given the boot. But we will get to spend some time with the fun loving Paris theologians. So there is that. Here’s a picture of young Reg with old Cardinal Max Von Sydow.

We might manage to get through a whole 6 weeks of the life of King Henry and Queen Catharine. It’s the messy divorce trial and Henry will be a bit of a dick. But it’s about yet another character in this sorry little tale. The other, other Boleyn girl Jane Parker AKA Jane Boleyn AKA Lady Rochford. Here’s a picture of the Wolf Hall Jane Boleyn. Does she look a bit nasty? She’s supposed to.

In which we look to get all our fun loving characters to the same time – May 1529. That will allow the Legatine Court of Cardinals Wolsey and Campeggio to get underway and we can try for a divorce. Perhaps our men have underestimated Catherine of Aragon. Here’s a picture of Robert Shaw as Henry and Venessa Redgrave as Anne Boleyn from A Man for All Seasons.

We’ll have a look at how Princess Mary is coming along but it’s all about divorce for Henry. Or really Henry has decided that he was not married to Catherine at all. It’s all to do with Leviticus and Deuteronomy so nice and sensible. Here’s a Princess Mary from the TV series Wolf Hall.

Martin Luther is dead but the reformation will continue. This week we’ll be having a look at John Calvin and our protestants can copy the Catholics by burning heretics. Yes, our heretics now also have heretics.

Let’s open some of Henry’s letters to Anne for a bit of a read. And we can go to parliament which is always a hoot and a giggle. Tom Cromwell will be against foreign wars on the basis that they’re stupid and expensive. Well spotted Tom. Here’s Henry with Mary and Anne Boleyn.

We’re having problems working out the one is three and three is one thingy with some people wanting it just to be three and others wanting to be one. Martin decides that the magic trick with the bread is real before turning his attention to Muslims and Jews. Meanwhile, Munster is taken over by polygamist Anabaptists. Won’t end well for them as this picture from the German movie Konig der letzten Tage shows.

Off we go hurtling once again into the past this time we’re looking for a sultry wicked temptress who wants to entangle our Henry into a web of sin. That may be difficult because that Anne lives mainly in historical fiction. We’ll have to be content with the historical Anne. But at least we can have a picture of a sultry wicked temptress.

The Reformation will splinter because of the whole bread and red thing. We just can’t agree on it. The Peasants will revolt and that will go the usual way a peasants revolt goes – badly. On the plus side, celibacy will be out the door and into the garbage. The emperor will call a conference to see if we can’t all play nicely together. We can’t. Here’s a picture of Luther responding to the Catholics ordering his books to be burnt. You burn mine and I’ll burn yours is the message. Nice for the printing businesses.

We have new players in Europe. Our own Henry of course along with Frankie Big Nose in France and Supersausage Chuck doing Spain and Germany. On the home front we get some descriptions of Catherine and sadly they are not flattering. Here’s pictures of the 3 boys and our Henry has gone from youngest ruler in Europe to the oldest.

We’ll get Martin Luther safely away from the Diet of Worms. Then we find other people wanting to do their own version of the reformation. Enter the Anabaptists. Monks can start giving up their Monkey lives to become good productive members of society but on the downside, students will start leaving the universities. Are we going backwards? Here’s a picture of ex Monk Martin and his ex Nun Missus.

In which our hero Henry will be sucked into sending cash to Mad Max with no return. Tom Wolsey will become a big swinging dick and there will be a secret romance with wedding bells a dinging for Charles Brandon and Dowager Queen Mary, Henry’s sister. And we have descriptions of Queen Catherine that are not terribly flattering at all. Plus we’ll get to meet Princess Mary.

Things are happening in Germany and we’ll kick off by looking at our man Erasmus first. One thing we’ll find pretty quickly is that our reformers will embrace the new technology – the printing press. They will invent the Graphic Theological Novel, marvellous stuff. Here’s one – on the left we have baby Jesus booting out the money lenders and on the right we have the greedy Pope selling indulgences.

It’s a bit of a girly episode this week. Let’s see – Queen Anne of France is off to heaven – Queen Margaret of Scotland is off to get a bit of hunky Archie Douglas – Princess Mary will be dumped by Supersausage Chuck but then for for big daddy Louis of France on the rebound and will be the new Queen of France and that may be a bit much for big daddy’s heart. Still he will die with a smile on his face. And finally poor old Queen Catherine will see the end of sexy priest who will be booted out of England. Sad.

The Scotties have the largest army they’ve ever assembled. It is well equipped and they have been training their little hearts out on the new invincible Swiss method of killing your enemies. They have the high ground and bloody big guns. To top it off they have handsome brave and strong King Jim 4. Put your money on the Scots to win is my tip.

Dad killer King Jim 4 will have everything he needs. He’s got the numbers, he’s got the terrain, he’s got bigger cannon, he’s got the invincible Swiss tactics. He’s young handsome brave and strong and up against decrepit old Tom Howard. Nothing can go wrong for the Scotties this time surely.

Let’s go sailing on the high seas and find out the difference between a pirate, a privateer and a buccaneer. Henry will have lots of hangers oners who like to drink booze and unlike his dear old dad, Henry is up for the stupid foreign wars. He’s likely to get one with dad killer King Jim 4 wanting to do some Pommie bashing. Here’s a buccaneer rock star.

Well, we’re all stuck in the house because of that pesky Coronavirus so instead of going to see The Hu, it’s a special on disease history.

Margaret Beaufort will be saying goodbye to us after eating a dodgy baby swan. Catherine will be up the spout then sort of not up the spout – it’s all a bit of a mystery but we will get a son in the end. Henry’s into the fun and games of tournaments. Big daddy Louis of France will go rogue on the Pope. Here’s pictures of our 3 Toms – Wolsey, Cromwell and Tom. All good buddies of our king Henry 8 until they aren’t anymore.

It’s our magnificent new king Henry leaping into action by executing villians, pardoning nobles and marrying the Spanish chic. We’ll meet his study buddies and his bad boy buddies. The archbishop can rub the super duper holy oil on his manly and very muscular body and we’re in business. Here’s the lad with dad 7 and granny Beaufort.

Leaving our cheery tale will be Duke Phil and sadly Henry himself. Still that will allow those fun loving teens Henry 8 and Catherine of Aragon to get it on. Over in Spain, the heir to Castile, Juana will find herself in a convent thanks to dad Ferdinand. But it’s time for us to get Henry 8’s backstory. Here’s a nice picture of dead Henry 7 and the lovely Betty of York his missus.

It’s all about trying to get those crazy kids Hazza and Kat into the cot to get busy in the making an heir business. The path to true love never runs smoothly until the gold is delivered seems to be the lesson for us. Sad to say that Duke Phil John Legend won’t be surviving this episode leaving Juana as a very wealthy widow. King Henry may like a bit of that. Here’s Phil and Juanna during their visit to England.

Yes, our Spanish princess can have a whole episode dedicated just to her. It will be the wedding of the century with Arty and Kaz tying the knot. Here’s a genuine picture of Catherine.

1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue and before you know it we’ve met new friends to subjugate so we can steal their stuff. This will make Europeans rather wealthy so they can belt each other up even more while they create their empires. Here’s a diagram of a ship illustrating the efficiencies of capitalism by packing in humans nice and tight to transport them to their new lives of hard labour. It also nicely illustrates the lack of any sort of empathy that capitalism thrives on.

Arthur’s dead leaving our Spanish Princess somewhat in limbo. Poor little Princess Margaret will have to head north to dad killer king Jim 4 of the Scotties. Isabella and Ferdinand will get the Spanish Inquisition underway. Usual fun and hi jinks. Here’s a picture of Catherine with Isabella up in the Spanish mountains ready for some Muslim bashing when Catherine should really be on her way to England.

It’s all about to change for our fun loving characters with the discovery of that large continent. Part 1 of the money special will have a look at the background to money and where our mob are up to with it.

Time to meet some Toms because we’ll end up with half a dozen of the buggers in a few episodes time. We’ll also meet a Portugese Jewish murderer who will make good. The de la Pole’s will be getting out of town but the sad news is that Queen Betty may be saying goodbye to us forever in this episode. Here’s a picture of Henry and Betty from the Spanish Princess. Does she look a bit poorly to you?

Hard to see Perkin Warbeck lasting another week or thick as a brick Ted earl of Warwick for that matter. But here’s a picture of our favourite Italian John Cabot finding Canadia for us. Our fishermen will be very pleased.

Pirates are disrupting trade but don’t panic Henry will get the Royal Navy on the case. Happy Chuck of France wants to try his luck belting up Italy. But our big problem is that bloody Perkin Warbeck wandering around calling himself Richard Plantagenet. He wants to be king Richard 4 and we ain’t having that.

Mixed bag this week. Toothless mighty hero Sir Ted Woodville will be going down when the Frenchies massacre our brave English boys. Sadly for us, that means Happy Chuck can marry Duchess Anne of Brittany and take Brittany making France great again. Henry will find out just how much we all love paying tax so it will be rebellion. Here’s a picture from a Frenchie waxworks museum of Happy Chuck marrying Anne of Brittany.

Here’s the marvellous Queen Betty who knocked out an heir in record time. That will be Arthur on the left and there’s dear little Margaret with her. And who is that rapskallion on the right? Oh it’s darling little Henry.

Henry will make a great start with a smooth take over operation. But there are some people who just can’t let the war thing go and want to keep this wars of the roses thing going. On the bright side, we will be getting an heir to the big chair in world record time. Here’s a picture of the happy couple. Must say that queen Betty looks a bit like a serial killer to me.

It’s on. Henry Tudor with Uncle Jasper will finally make their move and invade England. Richard 3 has a very good track record in the battle stuff but it may all come down to which side the Stanley’s will pick.

Henry and Jasper are happily being political pawns over in Brittany while Richard is looking to get Queen Betty and girls out of sanctuary. But then in come the Tudors. Here’s a rather dashing Richard with no sign of a hunchback and his missus Anne Neville in The White Queen TV series.

Richard’s turn for the silly hat and people will die. Here’s a picture of Richard and Henry Stafford, Duke of Buckinham in happier times. That is before Richard pops his head off.

Richard will find himself under pressure. He’s in a bit of a dicky position and will have to act. Queen Betty is convinced to give up her youngest son Richard to the care of Uncle Richard. That gets us both princes into the Tower. Richard will decide that it is his bum that should go on the big chair.

 

Margeret Beaufort will get married again. That’s nice. The Woodville family will be making power plays and Richard may be in a bit of trouble. But the big news is we have a brand new king. Sort of. Bishop of Bath and Wells though be tossing a hand grenade into the whole succession plans. We shall have an attempt to make sense of the law. Yes – I know – fools errand.

Dear me, the boys are squabbling over money and that will be the end of one of them. And king Ted is going the way king Elvis went with all the overindulging of the food and booze. Will it be enough to kill him? Maybe not but perhaps a bit of rat poison in with dinner could help.

Let’s see – who is in the picture. From left to right we have Richard Duke of Gloucester, Princess Betty, King Ted 4, Prince Ted, Queen Betty Woodville, George Duke of Clarence and Cecily Neville Dowager Duchess of York. What a happy looking family.

King Ted will find himself in all sorts of trouble with Richard Neville deciding that Ted’s brother George should be king. Then even worse, Richard and George will defect to team Lancaster. How will our mighty hero cope with all these adversaries?

Crikey – I’m having real drama with a mix up of audo files. Let’s hope this is it.

It’s a love story for king Ted and queen Betty. Here’s a picture of Betty the beautiful. It was fashionable at that time for women to shave the top front bit of their head. We all thought that an egg shaped hairless face was really hot.

We’ll be having lots and lots of dead people this week. Biggest battle in the history of England is about to happen.

It’s episode one bloody hundred and I’m celebrating by putting out a completely ordinary episode. It’s all the usual fun, fun, fun killing each other. Here’s a picture of Queen Margaret getting stuck in.