Henry is finally going to his heavenly reward. Nice for him to be reunited with Anne Boleyn, Tom Cromwell, Catherine Howard, Sir St Tom and St John and all the other people he murdered. We can all heave a sigh of relief knowing he’s left England in tip top shape – or not. Here’s his hearse of magnificence.
Henry has forgotten Cromwell’s number one rule – no stupid foreign wars. He will have a crack at the Scotties to keep them subdued while he nicks off to France. It’s sure to go splendidly well this time.
Time to meet number 6 for Henry and number 3 for Catherine who will join that endagered species queen of England. Also this week will be an update on Mary of Guise and sorry to tell you, it’s all going horribly wrong for the poor girl.
It’s all changing for our Europeans with ships ‘discovering’ places like the America’s and getting to Indonesia. If we’re going to be doing more of that then of course we’ll need more warships. Here’s one of Henry’s ships ‘The Mary Rose’ – named for his sister.
Henry is in love. Again. This time it’s a teenage cousin of Anne Boleyn. Catherine, though, may be a girl with a past. Can it end well?
Having got to the top of the greasy pole, there’s only one way for Tom to go and it will be down. Will Henry give him gold watch and a nice retirement party? Unlikely. Still, we can be grateful to Tom for some of the things he did.
Time to meet a new player in the game. This girl is going places. Well she’s going to Scotland to be precise to become Queen of Scotland. Here she is with King Jim 5. It was either that or marry Henry and who would want to do that.
4th time down the aisle for our Mad Welsh King. Going with him will be Anne of Cleves, but will it be true love and happily ever after stuff? Unlikely with Henry.
It’s the English reformation – Henry style. We’ll catch up with Giralamo Savonarola to see how religion is going generally, bring things up to date with Paul 3 and then Henry will be let loose. He certainly won’t be making things easy.
Reg Pole has decided to be Henry’s enemy. May not be the smartest idea given that he has family back in England. We’ll also catch up with Jane Parker AKA Jane Boleyn AKA Lady Rochford to see how our poor destituted widow is getting on. And Tom Cromwell will get stuck into religious statues and icons.
Tom Cromwell is busy turning monastic houses into cash for Henry and he’s messing around with land tenure to bring in even more cash. The men in the north don’t like this stuff so it’s on to a glorious rebellion.
It’s Jane Seymour marrying by now no longer handsome prince Henry. May not be wedded bliss though. Lady formerly princess Mary will be back at court and baby Betty will also now be lady formerly princess. Tom Cromwell will make some foreign policy mistakes. Bad move Tom. Here’s Jane – nice hat.
In which we will meet Jane Seymour but that also means we say goodbye to Anne Boleyn. Sad.
We’ll be saying goodbye to Henry’s sister Mary. Don’t worry about her man Charles Brandon, he has his eye on his son’s girlfriend. Our Spanish princess Catherine will also be off to heaven. Anne will manage to get Henry to swap his mistress for one of her supporters so Henry will be all happy in the banging department. Here’s Henry and Catherine from the movie Anne of a thousand days.
Suleiman popped up in our episodes giving Supersausage Chuck’s brother Ferdinand a hard time in Vienna. I thought we might have a squiz at this guy and find out what’s so magnificent about him. (Hint – it may be his missus) Here’s a picture of Suleiman and his missus Roxelana which means hot Russian chicky babe in Turkish.
Sir St Tom More will refuse to take the oath that says Henry is the head of the church in England. Tom Cromwell knows how to sort that out. Here’s a picture I took in Canterbury where Sir St Tom has his very own window. So perhaps it was all worth it for him.
In which Henry will totally fix up the Supremacy thingy meaning Clement is out. He can then meet the holy maid Elizabeth Barton and listen to her not nice prophecies. May not end well for Elizabeth and her team. Sir St Tom is causing a bit of grief for Henry and his family are getting a bit worried. Here’s Hans Holbein’s picture of the More family.
It’s all coming together for Anne Boleyn and she will be getting some of Henry’s baby juice. Plus a wedding or two and then it will be a nice rub with the holy oil and on goes the silly hat. May not be going so well for Catherine though.
Tom Cromwell will have a meteoric rise in Henry’s court. He’s terribly smart. Anne Boleyn will have a temper tantrum. Fair enough, she’s been waiting a long, long time to get a silly hat.
We’re back with Sir St Tom who will cop the top job as Chancellor. But Tom is more interested in torture and burning people than helping Henry get a divorce. It won’t go well when Henry declares himself to be the head of the church in England. Tom will resign his job but will he settle down to a nice retirement? Here’s Tom and Henry from A Man for all Seasons.
Henry’s top advisor Tom Wolsey is dead, but fear not – he still has Sir St Tom More and there’s the new boy Tom cromwell. Another Tom – Boleyn is off to see the pope and the emperor to sort things out. Bonus for Henry is that universities all over the place will agree he should have his divorce but Pope Clement won’t be having it. Here’s our disgraced Cardinal Wolsey wondering where it all went wrong.
Yes, it’s another bloody special and we shall be having a look at what our olden days people got up to in the bedroom. If you’re curious, you may find out that we’re much gayer than you may have thought.
Mary will get her man – strapping big lad Charles Brandon. Henry will be annoyed, but money can make any king happy. Here’s a picture of a young Mary from the Spanish Princess.
We’ve had a little bit about Henry’s sister Mary, but let’s face it. She’s a hot princess and deserves and episode. So let’s re-examine her rather fun way of killing of the Frenchie king so she can get it on with Charles Brandon Duke of Suffolk, boofhead and Henry’s best mate.
And we have another new friend into the story. Enter Reginald Pole (Cardinal) but sadly our dear old Tom Wolsey (Cardinal) will be given the boot. But we will get to spend some time with the fun loving Paris theologians. So there is that. Here’s a picture of young Reg with old Cardinal Max Von Sydow.
We might manage to get through a whole 6 weeks of the life of King Henry and Queen Catharine. It’s the messy divorce trial and Henry will be a bit of a dick. But it’s about yet another character in this sorry little tale. The other, other Boleyn girl Jane Parker AKA Jane Boleyn AKA Lady Rochford. Here’s a picture of the Wolf Hall Jane Boleyn. Does she look a bit nasty? She’s supposed to.
In which we look to get all our fun loving characters to the same time – May 1529. That will allow the Legatine Court of Cardinals Wolsey and Campeggio to get underway and we can try for a divorce. Perhaps our men have underestimated Catherine of Aragon. Here’s a picture of Robert Shaw as Henry and Venessa Redgrave as Anne Boleyn from A Man for All Seasons.
We’ll have a look at how Princess Mary is coming along but it’s all about divorce for Henry. Or really Henry has decided that he was not married to Catherine at all. It’s all to do with Leviticus and Deuteronomy so nice and sensible. Here’s a Princess Mary from the TV series Wolf Hall.
Martin Luther is dead but the reformation will continue. This week we’ll be having a look at John Calvin and our protestants can copy the Catholics by burning heretics. Yes, our heretics now also have heretics.
Let’s open some of Henry’s letters to Anne for a bit of a read. And we can go to parliament which is always a hoot and a giggle. Tom Cromwell will be against foreign wars on the basis that they’re stupid and expensive. Well spotted Tom. Here’s Henry with Mary and Anne Boleyn.
We’re having problems working out the one is three and three is one thingy with some people wanting it just to be three and others wanting to be one. Martin decides that the magic trick with the bread is real before turning his attention to Muslims and Jews. Meanwhile, Munster is taken over by polygamist Anabaptists. Won’t end well for them as this picture from the German movie Konig der letzten Tage shows.
Off we go hurtling once again into the past this time we’re looking for a sultry wicked temptress who wants to entangle our Henry into a web of sin. That may be difficult because that Anne lives mainly in historical fiction. We’ll have to be content with the historical Anne. But at least we can have a picture of a sultry wicked temptress.
The Reformation will splinter because of the whole bread and red thing. We just can’t agree on it. The Peasants will revolt and that will go the usual way a peasants revolt goes – badly. On the plus side, celibacy will be out the door and into the garbage. The emperor will call a conference to see if we can’t all play nicely together. We can’t. Here’s a picture of Luther responding to the Catholics ordering his books to be burnt. You burn mine and I’ll burn yours is the message. Nice for the printing businesses.
We have new players in Europe. Our own Henry of course along with Frankie Big Nose in France and Supersausage Chuck doing Spain and Germany. On the home front we get some descriptions of Catherine and sadly they are not flattering. Here’s pictures of the 3 boys and our Henry has gone from youngest ruler in Europe to the oldest.
We’ll get Martin Luther safely away from the Diet of Worms. Then we find other people wanting to do their own version of the reformation. Enter the Anabaptists. Monks can start giving up their Monkey lives to become good productive members of society but on the downside, students will start leaving the universities. Are we going backwards? Here’s a picture of ex Monk Martin and his ex Nun Missus.
In which our hero Henry will be sucked into sending cash to Mad Max with no return. Tom Wolsey will become a big swinging dick and there will be a secret romance with wedding bells a dinging for Charles Brandon and Dowager Queen Mary, Henry’s sister. And we have descriptions of Queen Catherine that are not terribly flattering at all. Plus we’ll get to meet Princess Mary.
Things are happening in Germany and we’ll kick off by looking at our man Erasmus first. One thing we’ll find pretty quickly is that our reformers will embrace the new technology – the printing press. They will invent the Graphic Theological Novel, marvellous stuff. Here’s one – on the left we have baby Jesus booting out the money lenders and on the right we have the greedy Pope selling indulgences.
It’s a bit of a girly episode this week. Let’s see – Queen Anne of France is off to heaven – Queen Margaret of Scotland is off to get a bit of hunky Archie Douglas – Princess Mary will be dumped by Supersausage Chuck but then for for big daddy Louis of France on the rebound and will be the new Queen of France and that may be a bit much for big daddy’s heart. Still he will die with a smile on his face. And finally poor old Queen Catherine will see the end of sexy priest who will be booted out of England. Sad.
The Scotties have the largest army they’ve ever assembled. It is well equipped and they have been training their little hearts out on the new invincible Swiss method of killing your enemies. They have the high ground and bloody big guns. To top it off they have handsome brave and strong King Jim 4. Put your money on the Scots to win is my tip.
Dad killer King Jim 4 will have everything he needs. He’s got the numbers, he’s got the terrain, he’s got bigger cannon, he’s got the invincible Swiss tactics. He’s young handsome brave and strong and up against decrepit old Tom Howard. Nothing can go wrong for the Scotties this time surely.
Let’s go sailing on the high seas and find out the difference between a pirate, a privateer and a buccaneer. Henry will have lots of hangers oners who like to drink booze and unlike his dear old dad, Henry is up for the stupid foreign wars. He’s likely to get one with dad killer King Jim 4 wanting to do some Pommie bashing. Here’s a buccaneer rock star.
Well, we’re all stuck in the house because of that pesky Coronavirus so instead of going to see The Hu, it’s a special on disease history.
Margaret Beaufort will be saying goodbye to us after eating a dodgy baby swan. Catherine will be up the spout then sort of not up the spout – it’s all a bit of a mystery but we will get a son in the end. Henry’s into the fun and games of tournaments. Big daddy Louis of France will go rogue on the Pope. Here’s pictures of our 3 Toms – Wolsey, Cromwell and Tom. All good buddies of our king Henry 8 until they aren’t anymore.
It’s our magnificent new king Henry leaping into action by executing villians, pardoning nobles and marrying the Spanish chic. We’ll meet his study buddies and his bad boy buddies. The archbishop can rub the super duper holy oil on his manly and very muscular body and we’re in business. Here’s the lad with dad 7 and granny Beaufort.
Leaving our cheery tale will be Duke Phil and sadly Henry himself. Still that will allow those fun loving teens Henry 8 and Catherine of Aragon to get it on. Over in Spain, the heir to Castile, Juana will find herself in a convent thanks to dad Ferdinand. But it’s time for us to get Henry 8’s backstory. Here’s a nice picture of dead Henry 7 and the lovely Betty of York his missus.
It’s all about trying to get those crazy kids Hazza and Kat into the cot to get busy in the making an heir business. The path to true love never runs smoothly until the gold is delivered seems to be the lesson for us. Sad to say that Duke Phil John Legend won’t be surviving this episode leaving Juana as a very wealthy widow. King Henry may like a bit of that. Here’s Phil and Juanna during their visit to England.
Yes, our Spanish princess can have a whole episode dedicated just to her. It will be the wedding of the century with Arty and Kaz tying the knot. Here’s a genuine picture of Catherine.
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1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue and before you know it we’ve met new friends to subjugate so we can steal their stuff. This will make Europeans rather wealthy so they can belt each other up even more while they create their empires. Here’s a diagram of a ship illustrating the efficiencies of capitalism by packing in humans nice and tight to transport them to their new lives of hard labour. It also nicely illustrates the lack of any sort of empathy that capitalism thrives on.
Arthur’s dead leaving our Spanish Princess somewhat in limbo. Poor little Princess Margaret will have to head north to dad killer king Jim 4 of the Scotties. Isabella and Ferdinand will get the Spanish Inquisition underway. Usual fun and hi jinks. Here’s a picture of Catherine with Isabella up in the Spanish mountains ready for some Muslim bashing when Catherine should really be on her way to England.
It’s all about to change for our fun loving characters with the discovery of that large continent. Part 1 of the money special will have a look at the background to money and where our mob are up to with it.
Time to meet some Toms because we’ll end up with half a dozen of the buggers in a few episodes time. We’ll also meet a Portugese Jewish murderer who will make good. The de la Pole’s will be getting out of town but the sad news is that Queen Betty may be saying goodbye to us forever in this episode. Here’s a picture of Henry and Betty from the Spanish Princess. Does she look a bit poorly to you?
Hard to see Perkin Warbeck lasting another week or thick as a brick Ted earl of Warwick for that matter. But here’s a picture of our favourite Italian John Cabot finding Canadia for us. Our fishermen will be very pleased.
Pirates are disrupting trade but don’t panic Henry will get the Royal Navy on the case. Happy Chuck of France wants to try his luck belting up Italy. But our big problem is that bloody Perkin Warbeck wandering around calling himself Richard Plantagenet. He wants to be king Richard 4 and we ain’t having that.
Mixed bag this week. Toothless mighty hero Sir Ted Woodville will be going down when the Frenchies massacre our brave English boys. Sadly for us, that means Happy Chuck can marry Duchess Anne of Brittany and take Brittany making France great again. Henry will find out just how much we all love paying tax so it will be rebellion. Here’s a picture from a Frenchie waxworks museum of Happy Chuck marrying Anne of Brittany.
Here’s the marvellous Queen Betty who knocked out an heir in record time. That will be Arthur on the left and there’s dear little Margaret with her. And who is that rapskallion on the right? Oh it’s darling little Henry.
Henry will make a great start with a smooth take over operation. But there are some people who just can’t let the war thing go and want to keep this wars of the roses thing going. On the bright side, we will be getting an heir to the big chair in world record time. Here’s a picture of the happy couple. Must say that queen Betty looks a bit like a serial killer to me.
It’s on. Henry Tudor with Uncle Jasper will finally make their move and invade England. Richard 3 has a very good track record in the battle stuff but it may all come down to which side the Stanley’s will pick.
Henry and Jasper are happily being political pawns over in Brittany while Richard is looking to get Queen Betty and girls out of sanctuary. But then in come the Tudors. Here’s a rather dashing Richard with no sign of a hunchback and his missus Anne Neville in The White Queen TV series.
Richard will find himself under pressure. He’s in a bit of a dicky position and will have to act. Queen Betty is convinced to give up her youngest son Richard to the care of Uncle Richard. That gets us both princes into the Tower. Richard will decide that it is his bum that should go on the big chair.
We’ll be having lots and lots of dead people this week. Biggest battle in the history of England is about to happen.
It’s episode one bloody hundred and I’m celebrating by putting out a completely ordinary episode. It’s all the usual fun, fun, fun killing each other. Here’s a picture of Queen Margaret getting stuck in.
We’ll catch up on the renaissance. In England, with no firm hand to guide them, nobles are belting into each other. Squabbles will turn into battle and it will be goodnight to a couple of big name players.
It’s going to be another rebellion with those Kenty types marching on London again. Things in Gascony will take a downturn but bigger problems in England with an unwell king.
We’re going to poke around in Cecily Neville’s life to see what’s there. France is still a mess and we’re into lawlessness in England. Brexit may fix all that.
Henry isn’t turning out to be much of a king. France is going to the dogs and we’ve got a bit of witchcraft going on.
It’s going to be the trial and execution of our holy maid Joan. Our kiddie king can get a Frenchie silly hat. But the Frenchies will strike back while the English Council are all fighting each other and we’re in trouble in France.
It’s all about Frenchie peasant girl Joan of Arc and her magical voices saying kill all the English.
Let’s meet a baby who is king of both England and France – sure to go well. So long as the nobles can play nicely together.
Harry is back in France belting up and being particularly nasty. But it’s no good – all that campaigning and our Plantagenet kings still haven’t got the hygiene thing going.
Agincourt!!
It’s all about sorting out traitors before we finally get on the road to France. Harfleur won’t be a push over but Harry will get the job done.
Let’s meet King Harry and find out if he’s anything like Shakespeare’s character. Harry is dead set keen on getting to France to get stuck into those Frenchies.
Hank is rather unwell, he will rally but won’t survive this episode. Things are going to the dogs in France so it’s a good time for Prince Hal, now King Harry to make outrageous demands. Plus we’re off to the Council of Constance.
Sir Henry Percy will make one last go at removing Hank from the big chair. We get some surprise guests for his Majesty’s slammer. And Henry is annoyed with Prince Hal.
Hank will get his eldest boys working but oh no, here comes Harry Hotspur and he’s very annoyed.
It’s time for regime change according to Henry Bolingbroke. Will Hank be off to a good start? Well he will try a co-operative approach with parliament. Tricky.
It’s the merciless parliament. Little Dick is being bullied but he will strike back with the suicidal parliament.
The peasants are well and truly revolting. Can little Dick save the day? Kind of. People will die then the rebellion will be put down and ordinary people will find out just what sort of king our little Dick is.
It’s a brand new 10 year old king. His already unpopular Uncle John of Gaunt will introduce a poll tax and our peasants will show their revolting side.
Oh no – not even baby Ted can live for ever. He should be in a dementia ward but that won’t happen. It’s the sad decline and death of baby Ted.
Baby Ted is getting old and out living all his mates. We finally get English starting to be our official language – brilliant. And the Black Prince has married super hottie Joan the Fair Maid of Kent.
Our Black Prince will find himself trapped at Poitiers. Finally Johnny be Good can do over the English and get peace in France. Or can he?
Charles of Blois, Duke of Brittany has a cunning plan to take back Brittany. But his plan may be a bit too cunning for his own good. Plus we’ll get to meet another Charles, son in law of King John 2 of France. Hello to Charles the Bad.
Archbishop of York will be up against those pesky Scotties. Meanwhile baby Ted is besieging Calais then it’s oh dear, the Black Death. Bring out your dead.
It’s all happening. Scotties are doing well and have their King David 2 back. We’re belting up in Brittany helping out our heroine Joanna and we’re belting up in Gascony and we’re about to hit Normandy.
In which your podcaster digs himself into a hole and attempts to mansplain his way back out of it. Good luck to me.
Episode 67 Edward 3 – part 4
We want to get stuck into those Frenchies. Hard to get them into battle but baby Ted will get his chance. Just one problem – it’s a suicide mission.
Time to catch up on the Churchie stuff and then on to the main game. Baby Ted may be over reaching. He has problems in Gascony, problems in Scotland and he wants to invade France. We need allies – Dutch, Germans, Flemish but Lucky Phil wants them too. Can the Pope help out?
Time for Baby Ted to introduce the Scots to the new king and show them that he isn’t like his Dad but very much like his Grandad Superted the mighty powerful king. We’ll also see how he is very much into fashion and spectacle. Then our Frenchies decide once again they will support the Scots – no rest for the wicked.
The young chap is in charge now and get off to a rather promising start. Slow and steady, well thought out decisions who could want anything more? Well Edward – he wants Scotland.
Junior has been sidelined and will die – maybe – horribly – maybe. Point is, Roger and Isabel are running the show. Surely they won’t fall into the trap of just taking a ton of stuff for themselves?
How has Junior survived this long? He may or may not make it through this episode. We’re off to Scotland to have another go and get a crisis in France. But our biggest problem is Cousin Hank – what a dick.
Roger is out of the slammer and is in France. Junior has to pay homage to the new Frenchie king for Gascony. He can’t go himself – if he does Hugh Despenser will be toast and he can’t take Hugh because Hugh isn’t welcome in France. What will he do? Surely he won’t send Isabel and Baby Ted – that would be stupid and Junior isn’t stupid. Forget that – he is stupid.
We have a new player to look at. Roger Mortimer – marcher lord. What a guy.
Oh Junior, what are you doing? Things are going off the rails and Robert Bruce is running around doing whatever he wants. Junior is busy with his new BFF – Hugh Despenser. Did he learn nothing from the Piers Gaveston thing? Seems not.
Time for Junior to go and sort those Scots out once and for all. He has a huge army and all he needs to do is catch the Scots and crush them. Let’s go to Bannock Burn to kill those haggis eaters.
Superted is dead – don’t panic, Junior is on the big chair. Let’s examine his early rule and now we can panic.
Make sure your breakfast is nicely settled, get some tissues for a good old boo hoo hoo and we’ll see the end of Ted and the end of our brave handsome and strong mighty Templars.
Time for Superted to go and show those Scots who’s in charge. And we get a royal wedding! But as usual it’s all about cash – or lack of it for Superted.
It’s not a happy Superted this week. Welsh are revolting, Scots are revolting, he has to go to Flanders to belt up Frenchies and all he wants to do is go on crusade. Churchie guys won’t stump up any cash and just to complete our misery along comes this nobody called William Wallace.
It’s all about Wales and Llewelyn ap Gruffyd for Superted. Plus Eleanors pregnant!
The Danes are in charge of England. Great news for lovers of pickled herring and those yummy danish pastries.
